I just threw a major hissy fit, but I think it was warranted. Richard called and was discussing his love life, and I kept indicating that I thought he was making bad choices and that I didn't want to hear about his problem as his problem is how to juggle 2 women at work that are both throwing themselves at him and I can't even get a guy to notice I exist. I ended up telling him to just go make out with his whores--because that is what he is going to end up doing anyway. And I think they are whores---one girl gave him her underwear and the other has a signal for what kind of underwear she's wearing that day: 2= not cute, 1= cute, and the last thing I let him say about her was 0= no underwear. That's when I tell him to go make out with his whores. I then say that I am not in the best place to discuss such matters with him as I am sick of the whole idea of cute girls having no problem getting men and fat ugly chicks like me can't get a date.

He starts telling me I am jealous. I tell him I am not jealous of him or these girls, I am just sick of the situation I am in. He keeps saying I am jealous of these girls, so I tell him I can't talk to him and I hang up on him.

I am still weak from anger, but I am willing to dissect the situation to figure out why I am mad.
1. He did not respect my boundaries. Richard has always had a problem with boundaries. Our last conversation he tried to get me to have phone sex with him and was taken aback when I kept refusing and actually, I ended up hanging up on him in that phone call as well--he wouldn't take my no as a no. He can't make up his mind whether I am a friend or a orgasmic release to him. He's one of those guys that has a hard time remaining platonic with the women in his life.

2. In group Friday, I realized that I am the only one that has no romance on the horizon. There is only one other person that is not in a relationship in the group, and he has several options available to him--one of his professors/co-workers made a pass at him and he has told us about several under-grads making passes at him. One girl had a boyfriend and a lover, but just met a new guy, so she broke up with her boyfriend to be with the newest guy. This stuff got to me Friday, and it upset me. I don't want to hear how I have all this wonderfulness to offer a guy, when the truth is, no man is going to notice me becuase I am overweight. I have a great deal of sadness and anger surrounding this issue. I find it difficult to lose weight, not just because it requires me to change behaviors, but because there is a reason for those behaviors. I don't want to become a target to men, and I feel that when I lose weight, I will become a target. I don't like feeling vulnerable, so I maintain my weight so men will ignore me, then I become angry when men don't notice me. It's a painful cycle, and I am not going to get out of this cycle just by realizing it exists. I don't know how to get out of it. Once again, I don't want to hear how I have qualities that appeal to men/women, so if you are tempted to write something like that, please don't.