Saudade

I decided to end all contact with the ex. Turns out he has been a very busy boy--3 sex partners in the past 4 months. Totally shattered my image of him. I don't think it can ever be repaired. He's just not the man I thought he was, and I could never trust him again--not even as a friend.

This decision (to cease contact) is intended to end the pain I inevitably feel every couple of months with him but it comes with its own pain. I think he is super talented and smart. We like the same music, he makes me laugh. He can be very sweet. I flat out like him. But I had to do a cost-benefit analysis, and the cost was simply too high for me. I feel pain in losing him, and I will feel pain in the future when I think about him, but that pain has a sweetness to it--nostalgia over the good things I remember and the things I wish I could share with him. The pain I feel when I have him in my life is a body searing, heart ripping pain--my body flushes hot and I feel bad. It was this type of pain that caused me to vomit for nearly 12 hours yesterday. This is the pain that comes from realizing the person you have adored does not exist--the pain that comes from knowing you will never have the fantasy relationship with this person--the pain of knowing you are not wanted/desired/loved/cherished by this person in the way you deserve to be wanted/desired/loved/cherished. This pain costs too much. That is why I am choosing the sweet pain of a lost love. I choose to remember him as a guy that I just couldn't be with, and I know if I continued a friendship with him, I would end up hating him even more than I already do.