I am feeling a lot of self hatred right now. And other hatred, specifically dog hatred.
I was supposed to go to some fancy pants dinner tonight for my externship's 30th anniversary, but I really didn't want to go. I had to go to a dinner with them last night and didn't get home until 9:45. The food was not good and I had enough.

Today Lily bit me--attacked me would be a better description, so I was very angry and upset about that. I did talk myself into going to the dinner tonight, got out of my shower and tried to find something to wear that would fit into the dress code: business, whatever that means. Nothing fit right. The 2 outfits that did just barely fit made me look like I was carrying a watermelon under my shirt. So I got very depressed and started crying. I kept looking for something to wear, all the while crying I didn't want to go--I just wanted to be left alone..etc. I got upset with the amount of dog hair in my room, the mess in my apartment. And I finally just gave up and decided not to go tonight.

I turned on tv and Dr. Phil was having a show about really super fat kids.
So I am not feeling super great about myself or others.

SPeaking of wanting to quit therapy--I have been wanting to quit for a while. I feel like I shouldn't be gaining weight if the therapy is helping, and since I keep gaining weight-I want to quit. I just don't see the point of going if it isn't helping. My last individual session, I was creeped out by my therapist--he said titties. He said it about overweight men who get big breasts. I thought it was tacky. I had to tell him to look at me when I was talking--he kept looking around the room. He said it was because his eyes were bothering him--I told him it seemed like he was not paying attention to me. Then he starts telling me a bunch of stuff that wasn't useful at all--stuff he said the last time I saw him over a month ago. Then he starts talking about how successful he is--I was really turned off and wanted to leave his smug behind as it seemed he just wanted to talk about himself.

I looked into going to over eaters anonymous, but the whole admit you are powerless thing sounds like a crock of shit to me. I am not powerless over my eating, and that kind of thinking leads to binges and excusing myself from trying to make changes.

Now I'm thinking about some type of magic pill--like trimspa or some such. I hate this feeling--desperation and self contempt all rolled into one--add to that guilt. Plus I feel guilty for missing the dinner tonight, but I really, really didn't want to go nude. Even now, my pants are too tight. I was exercising 4 times a week up until I went to visit my parents. I suppose I should start back, but it didn't result in any weight loss, so I don't know why I bother. How do those people on the biggest loser do it?