I talked to my sister who always knows what to say to me, and she helped me realize that one of the reasons I got so upset by the ex's failure to disclose to me his new relationship is because it is the exact same thing he used to do when we were dating that drove me bananas. He would keep things from me--and then say he did it to protect my feelings. The truth is, he probably did have that in mind, but that is not his role--that is a parent's role. I have all the parents I need.

I also wonder if he had selfish reasons for not telling me--in September when that message was written, I was still under the delusion that we could be together. 1 in the hand 2 in the bush, perhaps? Or just avoiding a scene, or trying to keep me in his life period. But that begs the question--what role am I playing in his life? Not a friend, because friends share these things---although I may have requested non-disclosure now that I think about it. So maybe I am a jerk for getting mad when I requested no information on his dating life.

No, I am still upset. Because there is dishonesty to me in having whatever we had this summer and then jumping into bed with someone else. I firmly believe you should be over someone before getting under someone new--and every time I hear of overlap--even when it doesn't involve me, I get angry.

Again, back to the role I play. Am I just the ego booster?
And what role does he play in my life? I don't have a ready answer, but like I told my sister, I intend to use this anger in a positive way. There is no sense in being angry at him--he acted totally consistent with his past behavior, so there is no disbelief element--maybe disbelief that I acted the way I did. Why in the world did I want to be with him so badly?

I don't intend to put him down, but if he wasn't all about me, why was I all about him?
I think this is where the pain I am feeling is coming from--I cannot continue to lie to myself. His dating someone else a month after he left town is totally inconsistent with the lie I was telling myself: the lie that he had the same intense feelings for me that I had for him.

There is the lie, and I told it, so I guess I just have me to be upset with. I'm trying not to beat myself up--that does nothing but tear myself down and I need to build myself up.

ok. This was a stream of conscious type entry. End result: he acted consistently based upon previous experiences and that behavior was inconsistent with the version of him in my mind. Now, what to do about it?
I have already deleted his phone number, and 900+ emails. And I am about to take to the dumpster all of the craft projects I have been working on for him. I think that takes care of everything.

My question to the world is, am I being over-reactive by deleting someone from my life based on something they did 3 months ago--something that was motivated by their natural need to want to be with someone, and the non-disclosure of which I requested. Or, is the realization that I created a version of person that was not based in reality enough of a justification to walk away from someone forever?
I already experienced something similar with a female, non-romantic friend this fall, and I came to the conclusion that if I would not be friends with the reality based version of a person, then I should not continue a friendship with that person in the hopes that the person would suddenly manifest into my fantasy based version of that person. Did I just answer my own question?
I guess all I can say is the same thing I told my female friend this fall: I like him, I just like me more.
Being friends with an ex is not easy, and it may not always be the best idea. If I am reacting this strongly--maybe extracting myself from the situation is the best idea. Right?
Besides, he will just get mad if he reads this anyway--because I asked him not to tell me.

I know this is long, but mostly I am just thinking it out.
If we are having the same kind of drama as friends that we had as romantic partners, and we determined those dramas meant we should not be romantic partners, then it is reasonable that we should not be friends either. Just logical reasoning.

So, I need to try to be more realistic--and stop creating fantasies in my head of how people are/feel about me. I think all of this makes sense. I feel embarrassed about the way I felt this summer--embarrassed that I was so needy and "confessed my love" when all the while he was boning some other chick. So maybe my desire to rid all traces of his existence has less to do with being mad at him for boning someone else and more to do with my embarrassment of not being wanted---and being so blind to the fact that I wasn't wanted. It makes me feel like a loser--and it definitely reminds me of adolescence. Don't make me tell you the story about one of my crushes calling me up--getting my hopes all up in the air--only to ask me about my older, hotter sister.