I'm having chest pains

Did you ever notice the coincidences that occur naturally?
Like yesterday--I went to dinner and my waitress was named Emerald, and then later that night I saw a musician perform in promotion of their latest cd entitled: Emerald City.

And last week I decided to become vegan and the very same day I decide to become vegan, I rented a movie with Molly Shannon about dogs and she becomes vegan in it.

Do you think these are little messages from myself looking down on myself from some other plane--like I am telling myself, yes, these are good ideas? Or am I reading far too much into things?

And why does it take me being drunk to have confidence in myself?

I love my parents, but I often think about who I would have been had I been adopted at birth and raised by non-abusive/buck the fuck wild parents. I am obviously smart, I consistently test in the 90+ percentile on all tests--up until the LSAT, I had consistently tested in the 99th percentile. But I am not what you would think of when you think of an intelligent woman in the 90th percentile of America--I have no pedigree. I have not published anything nor changed the world--would this have been true with other parents? Would I have been Ivy League, traditionally successful if raised by someone else? And at what point does my lineage cease to be an influence? When does it become all about me--when does it boil down to my abilities? Look at Oprah--she was raised poor and sexually abused--we could be inter-racial cousins. How did she become the demi-god she is and how did I become the semi-loser that I am?

And how many more of my kind are there lurking in small towns? I cannot be the only one like me--tons of potential trapped in a self doubting body.

I write songs in my sleep that no one ever hears.