My mom: she left out a bowl of cheeses; cream, cheddar, and mozzarella for 2 days so I threw it out. She asked me what happened to her cheese bowl and freaked out a little when I told her. To her there was nothing wrong with eating cheese that had been left out for days. I love my mom, but she is crazy.

I fixed my hair. The color looks great but it now feels like straw. I go back to the salon on Tuesday--I think--to get the cut fixed.

I tried running last night, and my stomach is so sore. The rest of me is fine, but all that panting gave my abs a major workout. Training is going to be painful--not that I expected otherwise, but I think I underestimated the pain involved.

It is now 2:10 a.m. and I am officially done with this semester. I just submitted my paper!! 2 hours late, but I am ok with that considering I didn't start back to work on it until noon today.

I just realized I forgot to pick up a prescription that I am out of--I finally got the free meds thing, but I have to pick it up from a specific person who was out of the office when I went to get them yesterday when I ran out of them. I won't be able to get them until Monday. I really, really hop I don't start going through withdrawal. For the life of me, I don't understand why they won't allow the pharmacy to ship the free meds to me instead of the clinic.

I am sleepy.

I signed up to compete in a triathlon here in town--now I have to raise 500 dollars to benefit ALS for the prof at our school. Oh, and I have to learn how to swim and run.

My apartment maintenance man grossed me out today (again). He had to come up to drain my a/c something or another and I wasn't awake when he first came by--I saw him in the parking lot and he told me what he needed. I ended up leaving before he got to my apartment, and as I was getting into my car, he said to me: you mean I won't get to flirt with you in your apartment? What the hell, people? Why did he think this was ok? I am guessing it is because I looked like a schlub--did he think he was doing me a favor, or is this just him being creepy. (same guy that called me a chicken for not wanting to go view an apartment with him) And what the hell was he talking about anyway? He has been in my apartment before, and most of the time I ignore him or hold my dogs so they won't attack him. I made myself feel better by telling myself that I was on my way the beauty parlor and would soon not look so shcluby, but........
My hair is ruined. I sat in the salon for over 4 hours, and they ruined my hair.
Thankfully, my friend arranged an appointment at a nice salon in town. So I only have to walk around like this for 1 day.
Here are some before and after pictures:




Horrible, right? All orange and blonde--I asked for a lighter brown than I currently had. I guess that equals shitty dye job.
Even worse, I tipped the girl 50%. It was an accident--I was so frazzled and freaked out by my hair that I couldn't remember how to come up with 20%--the usual way I do it is to double the total, but for some reason, I halved the total. I kept thinking the tip was really expensive and when I passed the receipt to the cashier, she said: she will really appreciate this. I realized then that I screwed up, but I wasn't about to ask for the ticket back.

And I did not get the job I interviewed for--just an all around crappy day. I really hate interviewing for jobs in this town--I never get the job. I cannot figure out why. I hate this town. I hate my maintenance man. And I hate my hair. And I want a job.

You know how I love 80s sitcoms, right? Well, it has taken me 20 years, but I have figured out that all of these sitcoms have gimmicks. I finished watching season 1 of Charles in Charge, and the brilliant gimmick on that show is to have the kids speak in unison--and they aren't saying things that you and a sibling or you and a friend might reasonably say at the same time like: who's zooming who, or tuffu*. And they don't even say "jinx" after they say these long phrases in unison--they aren't even trying to be realistic! Why don't they just burst into song or have a leprechaun that speaks to Charles and gives him child-rearing advice?

I prefer the unison thing to stories about winning the lottery and then losing the tickets--why does every stinking show think they will be the one show to make this lame story line amusing? (I'm talking to you, Friends.)
Oh, I meant gimmicks beyond the normal sitcom--my child is a robot--gimmick.
And I will admit to you that I have been practicing singing the harmony part to the Charles in Charge theme song--so Essie, you better be practicing because you will be singing the melody at this Christmas' family talent show.

I remembered what I wanted to tell you about the dating sites-I noticed that the women on those sites seemed to have much lower standards than the men. For example, there were men on there that actually said: no fat chicks, and then there were women with great jobs and great physical attributes that said their ideal men just had to have jobs. You could look and see what education level their ideal date would have achieved, and I was surprised by the number of women who just required "some college"--these were women in grad programs or women who had already obtained their grad degree. Why????

For the record, I cannot date someone without a college degree--and I would rather not date someone without a grad degree. And no divorced men, no one with kids (I'll make an exception for robot children), and no moustaches. And in a dream world, no one with cats. And he would not smoke--actually this is now a must, I refuse to die from second hand smoke. Sometimes I have dreams that I still smoke, and my reaction in the dream is always: oh, crap, I thought I quit and yet here I am smoking.

Hey look, here's my cute dog:



*tore up from the floor up--pronounced too-foo

I mentioned this blog to some people and although I am fairly certain they will forget the name of it and leave me to my anonymity, I decided to go back and read over everything I have written to make sure I didn't write anything about them. I did in fact write about one of them, but not by name. But more importantly, I am a great big whiny baby. How can anyone stand to read this crap?

They don't call them vanity blogs for nothing--it's all boo hoo poor little me. Not that I plan on changing anything. I just want it known that I know I am a whiny baby because it always annoys me when someone is acting like a jackass but is totally oblivious to their own jackassery. I am aware of my jackassery.

I kn0w there was a time last year or maybe the year before when I was obsessed with Scott Baio--but I think everyone is aware that I was never in love with him, right?
Netflix sent me the first 2 discs of Charles in Charge, and I realized I never had a crush on him. He is quite odd looking to me. So why did he become such the ladies man? We all know by now that Pam Anderson has no taste, but he was in Tigerbeat, and they are usually on the money. Fess up, who had a crush on Scott Baio?

Last night I had dinner with my friend--my nutty live in the moment friend and we followed a tour-bus to Wendy's on the chance it contained actual super-stars. It did not. It contained middle aged pasty, doughy white men. I am the opposite of smooth, so when we were ordering sodas, I asked Ashley in a horrible stage whisper--I wonder what the tour bus outside is for. (The only other people inside Wendy's at this time were the middle aged men that came off the bus). I gave them the perfect opportunity to say: well, we are the reason for the bus--at which point Ashley and I were going to commiserate with the pain of fame by claiming to be famous Christmas carolers--kind of like those creepy chicks in the group called "Celtic Woman" of PBS fame.
But, the men did not take the bait. It may have been because I had the giggles, and perhaps also because they saw us following them--we made a sharp turn on 2 wheels across 6 lanes of traffic just to catch up to them and then got right on their bumper. It was totally worth it.

Also, my friend mentioned some law school students were on match.com, so I went home and checked it out--you should too. I totally got the creeps. And--you should also look at the women--there is a fellow law student on there with the initials B.H.

Here's what I found fascinating: everyone I knew lied on their profiles--they all said social drinkers, 1-2 drinks per week. Lie: binge drinker/alcoholics every one of them. And, all of the law students were loud and proud about the fact they were in law school. True it is easier than saying I am a grad student, because it is a little different, but still interesting. And looking at other profiles, the lawyers on there were also very loud and proud about their jobs.

I have more to say about the things I discovered on match.com, but I have to go to therapy now.

Saudade

I decided to end all contact with the ex. Turns out he has been a very busy boy--3 sex partners in the past 4 months. Totally shattered my image of him. I don't think it can ever be repaired. He's just not the man I thought he was, and I could never trust him again--not even as a friend.

This decision (to cease contact) is intended to end the pain I inevitably feel every couple of months with him but it comes with its own pain. I think he is super talented and smart. We like the same music, he makes me laugh. He can be very sweet. I flat out like him. But I had to do a cost-benefit analysis, and the cost was simply too high for me. I feel pain in losing him, and I will feel pain in the future when I think about him, but that pain has a sweetness to it--nostalgia over the good things I remember and the things I wish I could share with him. The pain I feel when I have him in my life is a body searing, heart ripping pain--my body flushes hot and I feel bad. It was this type of pain that caused me to vomit for nearly 12 hours yesterday. This is the pain that comes from realizing the person you have adored does not exist--the pain that comes from knowing you will never have the fantasy relationship with this person--the pain of knowing you are not wanted/desired/loved/cherished by this person in the way you deserve to be wanted/desired/loved/cherished. This pain costs too much. That is why I am choosing the sweet pain of a lost love. I choose to remember him as a guy that I just couldn't be with, and I know if I continued a friendship with him, I would end up hating him even more than I already do.

Today is Lily's birthday. We celebrated her 4th birthday by eating crackers--I have been throwing up all day, so it was a cracker party.
I'll send her your love.

I talked to my sister who always knows what to say to me, and she helped me realize that one of the reasons I got so upset by the ex's failure to disclose to me his new relationship is because it is the exact same thing he used to do when we were dating that drove me bananas. He would keep things from me--and then say he did it to protect my feelings. The truth is, he probably did have that in mind, but that is not his role--that is a parent's role. I have all the parents I need.

I also wonder if he had selfish reasons for not telling me--in September when that message was written, I was still under the delusion that we could be together. 1 in the hand 2 in the bush, perhaps? Or just avoiding a scene, or trying to keep me in his life period. But that begs the question--what role am I playing in his life? Not a friend, because friends share these things---although I may have requested non-disclosure now that I think about it. So maybe I am a jerk for getting mad when I requested no information on his dating life.

No, I am still upset. Because there is dishonesty to me in having whatever we had this summer and then jumping into bed with someone else. I firmly believe you should be over someone before getting under someone new--and every time I hear of overlap--even when it doesn't involve me, I get angry.

Again, back to the role I play. Am I just the ego booster?
And what role does he play in my life? I don't have a ready answer, but like I told my sister, I intend to use this anger in a positive way. There is no sense in being angry at him--he acted totally consistent with his past behavior, so there is no disbelief element--maybe disbelief that I acted the way I did. Why in the world did I want to be with him so badly?

I don't intend to put him down, but if he wasn't all about me, why was I all about him?
I think this is where the pain I am feeling is coming from--I cannot continue to lie to myself. His dating someone else a month after he left town is totally inconsistent with the lie I was telling myself: the lie that he had the same intense feelings for me that I had for him.

There is the lie, and I told it, so I guess I just have me to be upset with. I'm trying not to beat myself up--that does nothing but tear myself down and I need to build myself up.

ok. This was a stream of conscious type entry. End result: he acted consistently based upon previous experiences and that behavior was inconsistent with the version of him in my mind. Now, what to do about it?
I have already deleted his phone number, and 900+ emails. And I am about to take to the dumpster all of the craft projects I have been working on for him. I think that takes care of everything.

My question to the world is, am I being over-reactive by deleting someone from my life based on something they did 3 months ago--something that was motivated by their natural need to want to be with someone, and the non-disclosure of which I requested. Or, is the realization that I created a version of person that was not based in reality enough of a justification to walk away from someone forever?
I already experienced something similar with a female, non-romantic friend this fall, and I came to the conclusion that if I would not be friends with the reality based version of a person, then I should not continue a friendship with that person in the hopes that the person would suddenly manifest into my fantasy based version of that person. Did I just answer my own question?
I guess all I can say is the same thing I told my female friend this fall: I like him, I just like me more.
Being friends with an ex is not easy, and it may not always be the best idea. If I am reacting this strongly--maybe extracting myself from the situation is the best idea. Right?
Besides, he will just get mad if he reads this anyway--because I asked him not to tell me.

I know this is long, but mostly I am just thinking it out.
If we are having the same kind of drama as friends that we had as romantic partners, and we determined those dramas meant we should not be romantic partners, then it is reasonable that we should not be friends either. Just logical reasoning.

So, I need to try to be more realistic--and stop creating fantasies in my head of how people are/feel about me. I think all of this makes sense. I feel embarrassed about the way I felt this summer--embarrassed that I was so needy and "confessed my love" when all the while he was boning some other chick. So maybe my desire to rid all traces of his existence has less to do with being mad at him for boning someone else and more to do with my embarrassment of not being wanted---and being so blind to the fact that I wasn't wanted. It makes me feel like a loser--and it definitely reminds me of adolescence. Don't make me tell you the story about one of my crushes calling me up--getting my hopes all up in the air--only to ask me about my older, hotter sister.

You know what I really hate? I hate being lied to, and when I find out I have been lied to--be it a lie told to me 5 minutes ago or 5 months ago, I react strongly.
I decided to do another check to see if the ex was dead online, and I found something he wrote in some motorcycle forum: on September 13, 2007, 12:53:50 AM
"Now, as for the girl I recently started dating... ugh, I would rather hear the post-mount noises from the GS. And I thought I was a fan of vocal behavior. Since moving here it seems my life has been a veritable whirlwind of deeply disturbing groans."

Where's the lie? Lie by omission--never told me he was dating someone. Probably done to "spare my feelings", but suck my dick--I don't need another person deciding what I can or cannot emotionally handle.

What's the real source of my strong emotion?
Do I really even need to explain?
I think I am the better catch--I am better looking, more in touch with my feelings, way funnier--and aside from taking medication for 2 years for a mental illness I never had and the bad behavior that went along with that--I am just generally a better romantic partner. Yet he is the one having sex. This always happens with the 2 of us. I seriously cannot understand how he gets laid and I don't.
Of course I am jealous. And hurt. And a little disgusted by his public, tacky posting--get a new trade name, I beg you.
And I am annoyed that I snooped (but I have always been a snooper). And I am annoyed that I care.

But, on the upside--I am angry, and great things can happen when I am angry. I have been so blah for the past 5 months--I haven't cared about my appearance or school or making relationships--neither new ones nor fortifying the bonds of existing relationships. But this emotional reaction is just the kick in the pants I needed. I am back in the game, and I intend to win.

I'm off to destroy some things. That sounds a bit more dramatic then I intended--I am off to destroy all evidence of his existence. Still dramatic, but.....

I'm over the self hatred.
Now I just hate people who whisper in the library. I cannot concentrate with all that dang whispering---whisperer ground zero is that obnoxious girl from Sarasota. Did that make sense? All the whispering stems from this one girl--she has actually made the rounds to whisper to her friends.

I feel a little weird about something I did, but I'm hoping I am over-reacting due to the late hour.

And--a 50 year old lesbian has a crush on me. Total bull dyke. She rubs my back and stares at me with a weird little smile. Creepy, right?

Wow. Lily was crying in her crate, so I went in there to check on her and she pooped in her crate, and I think Sophie must have peed on my bed. It didn't smell like pee, but who could tell with the strong poop odor in the room. Since no one in my little family seems to be able to keep their shit together, I guess I can tell you what I did that I am now feeling weird about.

First let me say that my neck is killing me--so that you can maybe say, oh, she may have done xyz, but her neck hurt. We all know neck pain can make you do silly things.

It really isn't that bad. I tried calling the most recent ex yesterday when I was avoiding studying. He didn't answer--no problem. On my way to the library tonight, I got stuck in traffic due to some holiday thing going on downtown--lot of road blocks..I had to park a few blocks away from the library. This kind of thing drives me nuts because I am convinced the world is plotting against my study time. So I called the ex again--no answer. I call his cell phone--no answer.

When I am in the middle of finals, I find tons of stuff to occupy my time, and obsessive thoughts are the norm. I decide the ex is either dead or with a new lady friend. Obviously, I prefer the latter. I knew I had the potential to obsess over this, so I decided to nip it in the bud. I deleted all of his phone numbers from my cell phone--I didn't want to keep calling him, because if the latter is the reason for his reticence, he obviously doesn't want my number burning up his line. And if he is dead, I won't need the numbers anymore anyway.

I returned home and started to play on the internet, and although I tried to talk myself out of it (out loud I might add) I googled his livejournal name so I could check his entry calendar to see if he made an entry recently--just to confirm he is alive (I can't read his journal, but livejournal makes me feel bad inside so I avoid it.) I'm guessing he is alive as he made an entry a couple of days ago. While doing the google, I see he has a dating profile under the same name. I check it out--I have to log in to see it. No problem. Since he now has proof that I looked at his profile (because he has it set up that way) I decided to leave a comment on his profile. Just basically saying he's funny and such. And while I was writing it, I was aware that he may very well be on a date with a girl from this site, so I didn't want to pimp him out too hard because he may not need it (and my pimping always works). And I wanted to send the message to him that I just happened to decide to check out his profile because I was curious NOT because I am a stalker and I am the cool ex who is totally fine with us both moving on and look, here's proof of how totally fine I am with it all, I will write a message to the women of the world recommending you as a partner.

So that is what I did and why I did it and now you can feel weird just like I do.
It is now after 3 and I think it's time for some 3's company to chase the weirdness and insomnia away--providing my bedroom no longer smells like a circus.

And for the record, I am fine with moving on. Mostly. I just hate it when the other person moves towards another person faster than I do. I am trying to remind myself that it is not a reflection of my worth, and if I really wanted to, I could totally be making it with a 50 year old bull dyke. And possibly an albino with eczema.
I have options--hot, sexy options.

I am feeling a lot of self hatred right now. And other hatred, specifically dog hatred.
I was supposed to go to some fancy pants dinner tonight for my externship's 30th anniversary, but I really didn't want to go. I had to go to a dinner with them last night and didn't get home until 9:45. The food was not good and I had enough.

Today Lily bit me--attacked me would be a better description, so I was very angry and upset about that. I did talk myself into going to the dinner tonight, got out of my shower and tried to find something to wear that would fit into the dress code: business, whatever that means. Nothing fit right. The 2 outfits that did just barely fit made me look like I was carrying a watermelon under my shirt. So I got very depressed and started crying. I kept looking for something to wear, all the while crying I didn't want to go--I just wanted to be left alone..etc. I got upset with the amount of dog hair in my room, the mess in my apartment. And I finally just gave up and decided not to go tonight.

I turned on tv and Dr. Phil was having a show about really super fat kids.
So I am not feeling super great about myself or others.

SPeaking of wanting to quit therapy--I have been wanting to quit for a while. I feel like I shouldn't be gaining weight if the therapy is helping, and since I keep gaining weight-I want to quit. I just don't see the point of going if it isn't helping. My last individual session, I was creeped out by my therapist--he said titties. He said it about overweight men who get big breasts. I thought it was tacky. I had to tell him to look at me when I was talking--he kept looking around the room. He said it was because his eyes were bothering him--I told him it seemed like he was not paying attention to me. Then he starts telling me a bunch of stuff that wasn't useful at all--stuff he said the last time I saw him over a month ago. Then he starts talking about how successful he is--I was really turned off and wanted to leave his smug behind as it seemed he just wanted to talk about himself.

I looked into going to over eaters anonymous, but the whole admit you are powerless thing sounds like a crock of shit to me. I am not powerless over my eating, and that kind of thinking leads to binges and excusing myself from trying to make changes.

Now I'm thinking about some type of magic pill--like trimspa or some such. I hate this feeling--desperation and self contempt all rolled into one--add to that guilt. Plus I feel guilty for missing the dinner tonight, but I really, really didn't want to go nude. Even now, my pants are too tight. I was exercising 4 times a week up until I went to visit my parents. I suppose I should start back, but it didn't result in any weight loss, so I don't know why I bother. How do those people on the biggest loser do it?

Skeevy man on campus alert

For my fellow law school students, there is yet another skeevy man looking for free legal advice hanging around the library. You all might remember the guy from this summer in the members only jacket that creeped us all out. He decided we were friends and it made me feel weird. Well, there's another one lurking around--he's an albino dude with bad skin. He will ask you to tell him about the school, but beware! he will pull out his thick folder and drill you for advice. He went so far as to ask for my phone number so he could call me and bother me at any time--I declined; I told him I was not comfortable with that. He has some weird story about being mistaken for a guy in town who has done bad things and now he is paying for it. He talked about being arrested, but then they apologized because they realized he wasn't his look-a-like and something about the hospital calling the police on him because they thought he was his look-a-like who had recently come in there and threatened to kill them.

This is why I do not want people for clients. Give me businesses any day--I tend to think people are liars. If I am working with businesses, then I know what their motivation is.

Anywho...that guy creeped me out so bad that I didn't go directly home and I took a round about way home when I did go home. I still feel weird inside.

Yup, definitely not meant to work with the "common man". I'm going to go ahead and call myself bougie/boujie/boo szhe short for bourgeoisie.

I have spent way too much time looking up LLM programs today. I decided last night that getting a masters in law would be the best career move for me, but now I'm thinking I am just trying to waste time. It may very well make sense, but I can't find a program I am interested in that would be willing to take me as a student. I know I would get into the Elder Law program in Lawrence, KS, but that is not really an area one needs a masters in. I am interested in the health law masters, but all of the schools seem kinda picky. This will be my new favorite topic to discuss with everyone I come in contact with--you've been warned.

Today I noticed that the guy sitting next to me in class was mirroring my moves--I thought at first I was mirroring him. Whenever he was leaned back with arms folded across his chest, I was doing the same thing. I decided to change positions because we looked like a couple of tools sitting there with our arms folded, and what do you know, he moves into the same position I did!
Then I thought he could read my mind and I started getting paranoid and I really think he sensed this weirdness in me because it took a few minutes before we synced up again.
Just putting that out there so you can all notice when someone sitting next to you is mirroring your moves.

Update: 2 hours later and I have sold a book for 60 bucks and applied for 3 more jobs.
I think I am going to bite the bullet and cancel my movie memberships at the local video place and the one through the mail. My tv antenna works--I just plugged it in today, so there's no need for videos anymore. That will save me 50 dollars.

I know this is boring, but every day life often is.

I'm sick. I threw up earlier today and cried and cried.
Then I felt a little better so I looked over my finances and cried and cried. I didn't really, but I am so freaking broke. I cannot wait to get out of school and get a job. Of course then I will be paying back loans and be among the working poor.

I put all of my old textbooks up for sale, but most of them have past their prime already and will probably be thrown out before I move. I have 100+ dollar textbooks for sale for 50 cents. I have actually started to hate law school. I have been loving it up until now--in spite of bad grades and people with low moral character; in spite of professors with god complexes and in spite of an unreasonable work load. I still loved it. But I am burned out. I want to be done. I need to make money. I have no idea how I am going to pay for anything over the next 2 months. I have rent money, but that's it.

And I am supposed to pay a deposit on BarBri, and I just don't have 250 bucks. So I am really stressed. My house is a mess and I have too much work to do and I am broke. Sounds like the end of the semester. I applied for 2 jobs today, and now I have to go look for more employment options. I hate being poor.

Now that my head has stopped hurting so much, I can use my brain a little. Here's my top thoughts of the day:
I could become a celibate lesbian. I'm technically celibate anyway, so why not mix it up a little and get rejected by a whole new gender? I could just be talking out of my ass, but I think fat lesbians see more action than straight fat chicks.
Next bit of brilliance: since I technically have an eating disorder, why not develop anorexia instead of compulsive eating? I lose weight and I get to keep my disorder--it's win win.
I also had this gem of a thought: instead of being a compulsive eater, why not become a slut? You burn calories whoring it up, so being a tramp is better for your health--except stds. But I would have to lose weight first or become a lesbian: see brilliant idea number 1.

Emotionally/mentally healthy? That's me.

I got the crankies inside, but I feel I should write a little something in here. Why so cranky? I have had a headache for the past week, I cannot make myself do my work, I need a job because I am poor, my sister asked me why I argued with my mother instead of the other way around and then never responded to my question, I keep overeating and my clothes don't fit right, and I am bored. I wanted to write a compelling entry--one that would have you on the floor laughing or one that would have you in tears do to my insight. But that is not going to happen--because of the crankies. I should probably just go take a dump.

I was nearly finished with a rather long entry, and my clumsy fingers hit ctrl A and continued typing which deleted everything I had written. I do this constantly. I hate this. I am so frustrated right now, but there is no un-do feature on this journal.

I love Halloween. I'm not going to any events because I hate the people that are throwing the events, but I sure do love Halloween.

Earlier I thought of something interesting to share--it was so interesting that I was completely captivated by myself--I said to myself: RP, tell me more about this idea you are having. But now I have totally forgotten it. I hate it when people say--if it was important, I'll remember it because that is bullshit. It's important I turn my journal in on time, but I have forgotten over 5 times to do so.

I found my daily planner--it was in the lectern in the court room--never would have thought to look there, but when I got up to question my witness, I looked down, and there it was.

My mock trial went PDG as Renee says: pretty darn good. Here are the comments my prof emailed us that pertain to me:
-Don't fold if you draw an objection-stand and fight.(whatever--the question I asked that was sustained for being leading was a crap question anyway--I was able to get the same answer out of another question)
-Good job refreshing Terry Cohen's recollection. Perfectly done. (You know it--perfectly done. The judge said I did a good job of not letting the witness get away from me--I was pretty cut throat--the jury actually was snickering, and when I sat down, I mouthed "I'm sorry" to the poor girl because she was visibly shaken.)
-Good volume and outrage in Plaintiff's Closing. (No surprise that I had good volume, and not too surprising about the outrage. My prof said that my closing was emotionally effective--she said she wanted to go out and punch cigarettes after hearing my close, but the judge said there were things the opposing counsel should have objected to in it--outside facts and the like. I was kind of worried I wasn't allowed to put those things in my closing, but I went for it anyway, and the defense did not object).

My friends both did excellent jobs at being witnesses--and if they read this: Thank You SO much!!

Here's what I wrote back.
You are still being ambiguous about the reason for this meeting. Please tell me what this meeting is for, and what it is that I will be unable to participate in because I have an externship which is essentially a class that meets during the time you are holding this meeting. And if it is something I want to participate in, you can anticipate further noise from me about you scheduling a meeting during my class time and then excluding me from participating in it.

I tried to find on-line the rules that give you the authority to make a meeting manditory, but I was unable to find the rules governing PAD.

Also, the link for this district has not bee updated in years.

I realize I sound hostile, but I am completely floored by someone other than an official school representative scheduling what they term a mandatory meeting. Class IS mandatory, and I will not miss my class to come to the meeting. And I do not see how you can fairly exclude me from participation just because I am following the school's rules. I am in law school, and I happen to be in PAD-not the other way around.

Thank you,
RP
Law School student--in a 20 hour externship program

I feel like punching this person

Dear PAD Member,

I'll be happy to answer any questions you may have regarding this meeting, as it was a necessity based on an incident which occurred at your school this week. I am the District Justice for PAD and I have the authority to call a mandatory meeting at any time, at my discretion. If you chose not to come, then that is completely up to you. You will miss the opportunity to participate in the business I am presenting to the chapter which is of vital importance for the remainder of the year. The short notice could not be avoided under the circumstances. Of course, I would have liked to have been able to give you more time, but that was not an option. No one will be kicked out if they do not attend, but you will not have the ability to participate in the business that will be conducted if you do not attend. The agenda for the meeting will be published 24 hours prior to meeting. I have not received any other emails from any other chapter members outside yourself, but you are welcome to direct them to me should they have questions concerning chapter business. And if you could, please send me your name, so next time I can address you by your name.



Fraternally,

John Doe
District Justice
Phi Alpha Delta Law Fraternity International

I am going to respond, but every time I write something back, it comes out like this: bite me you little weiner. You still have not told me what this stupid meeting is about. And bite me. You weiner.

So what should I write back?

Damned 2Ls are pissing me off.

How about this stupid email I got today:

Dear PAD Member:

You are receiving this email because the District Justice of Phi Alpha Delta has called a Mandatory Meeting of the Terrell Chapter of PAD at FSU to discuss an urgent matter affecting the entire chapter.

This meeting will be held Wednesday, October 31, in Room 241 at 12:30.
_________________________________________________________________________


Oh, hell no you didn't just tell me where I "must" be. Unless you are conferring my degree or giving me a large sum of money, I don't "have" to be any damn where. Here's what I wrote back:

I cannot make it to this meeting. I question your ability to call a "mandatory" meeting. Are you going to kick out members if they do not show up? I am not a board member, I am a student who has chosen to be a part of an optional activity--you cannot mandate my participation. Most of the members who are not 1Ls work or have other obligations--if you want to ensure my participation, do not toss about words like mandatory and if you must make a meeting mandatory, give me more than 5 days notice. I realize you are probably relaying the message given to you, but ambiguous messages like the one you sent: " urgent matter affecting the whole chapter" make me suspicious and angry. I suspect I am not the only one you sent this message to that feels this way.


I wonder why this message has made me so angry? well, I kinda know--don't tell me what to do. They can take their shitty little club and shove it.

I have a couple of things I wanted to disclose here, but the most important thing is this: my high school crush is living in Atlanta of all places, and he now looks like this:


I know we can't all age beautifully or look like the goddess I am, but wow. You should have seen him in high school--he was hot. Poor guy. It must be hard to lose your looks. Or maybe that was a really bad picture. He looks like he is an old German grandmother or something else I dare not put into print. I really hope it's just a bad picture.

I went with my mom to her 500th year school reunion, and I remember her talking about how everyone had aged--it's what we do. But when you have a memory of someone at age 18, it can be a bit shocking when they inevitably age.

My other friend from high school is now living in Northern France where he is collecting folk songs and folk stories with his wife. I'm about to go check out his myspace to see his pictures.

I think Ella and I have decided I should move to Texas. And marry a cowboy--well I decided I should marry a cowboy, but something tells me E will support that decision.

I just threw a major hissy fit, but I think it was warranted. Richard called and was discussing his love life, and I kept indicating that I thought he was making bad choices and that I didn't want to hear about his problem as his problem is how to juggle 2 women at work that are both throwing themselves at him and I can't even get a guy to notice I exist. I ended up telling him to just go make out with his whores--because that is what he is going to end up doing anyway. And I think they are whores---one girl gave him her underwear and the other has a signal for what kind of underwear she's wearing that day: 2= not cute, 1= cute, and the last thing I let him say about her was 0= no underwear. That's when I tell him to go make out with his whores. I then say that I am not in the best place to discuss such matters with him as I am sick of the whole idea of cute girls having no problem getting men and fat ugly chicks like me can't get a date.

He starts telling me I am jealous. I tell him I am not jealous of him or these girls, I am just sick of the situation I am in. He keeps saying I am jealous of these girls, so I tell him I can't talk to him and I hang up on him.

I am still weak from anger, but I am willing to dissect the situation to figure out why I am mad.
1. He did not respect my boundaries. Richard has always had a problem with boundaries. Our last conversation he tried to get me to have phone sex with him and was taken aback when I kept refusing and actually, I ended up hanging up on him in that phone call as well--he wouldn't take my no as a no. He can't make up his mind whether I am a friend or a orgasmic release to him. He's one of those guys that has a hard time remaining platonic with the women in his life.

2. In group Friday, I realized that I am the only one that has no romance on the horizon. There is only one other person that is not in a relationship in the group, and he has several options available to him--one of his professors/co-workers made a pass at him and he has told us about several under-grads making passes at him. One girl had a boyfriend and a lover, but just met a new guy, so she broke up with her boyfriend to be with the newest guy. This stuff got to me Friday, and it upset me. I don't want to hear how I have all this wonderfulness to offer a guy, when the truth is, no man is going to notice me becuase I am overweight. I have a great deal of sadness and anger surrounding this issue. I find it difficult to lose weight, not just because it requires me to change behaviors, but because there is a reason for those behaviors. I don't want to become a target to men, and I feel that when I lose weight, I will become a target. I don't like feeling vulnerable, so I maintain my weight so men will ignore me, then I become angry when men don't notice me. It's a painful cycle, and I am not going to get out of this cycle just by realizing it exists. I don't know how to get out of it. Once again, I don't want to hear how I have qualities that appeal to men/women, so if you are tempted to write something like that, please don't.

Guess who is confused about their career path and destination? Me.
I registered for classes Monday, and every day I change what I have registered for.
I cut my bangs and I look like the female version of dumb and dumber.
I will not get to go to Atlanta this weekend because it costs way too much to board my dogs, and I am broke.
What else can I complain about............I've chewed so much bubble gum that my tongue has raw spots on it (from blowing bubbles--my teeth scrape my tongue).

Does anyone remember the show Gimme a Break starring Nell Carter? I have the first disc to season one through that dvd in the mail red envelope place. I don't remember it being so bizarre. The acting is truly bad--I wouldn't even cast these people in my elementary school play. And the story lines are weird too. They try to have these dramatic stories, but for some reason, they don't come off as dramatic. They are trying too hard. I want you all to rent the video and tell me what it is about this show that is so weird--I can't figure it out. You know what else bothers me about this show? They have this girl in braces who is probably 14 or so at the youngest 12, and they are giving her lines and responding to her like she is a toddler--she even baby talks and wears overalls, and she says things like: kissing is yucky. Watch it--you won't regret it.

Lawyers to be--as in currently in law school. Makes sense if you read the next entry.

The weather is so great outside that I want to hang out with someone and just have a good time sitting outdoors. It has been a long time since I actually wanted to hang out with someone, which is probably why I am having a hard time finding a partner to hang out with. I have called both of my friends that I know/think are in town this weekend. I have even called a friend in Oklahoma for crying out loud. What's a girl gotta do to connect with another human being on this planet?

Those in the know (me) would say I am on the mend. I am ready to socialize and romanticize, now I just have to find those people who are willing to do the same with me. This is progress--I have had such a hard time wanting to socialize. I just find lawyers to be to be subpar humans in general--alcohol abusing, indiscriminate sex having, selfish immature assholes they are.

I should be working, but instead, I am playing on the internet. I found a story about some child prodigy artist which led me to a You-tube video of her painting which led me to other videos of child prodigies which naturally led to this:




Not that I needed reminding that a friend is a hot half man half beast that allows you to ride naked on his back, draping your nutsack along his spine, but still--it really centered me to be reminded of this old adage. Did my heart good.

Some other time I will share the source of this inspirational poster, but now I have to go pretend to work some more.

2 picture limit on posts says blogger

I was supposed to go out tonight with people from group, but I decided the rain was a sign that I should stay home. To be perfectly honest, I would have shocked myself by leaving my apartment.

Awesome news: I got my Suzanne Somers doll in the mail today--vintage 1978. Doesn't look a thing like her as you can see from the picture.



I'm not a big fan of blogger because it won't let me insert the picture where I want--it automatically puts it at the top of the entry.
I'm going to experiment with it, but also go ahead and conclude it is bullshit.
Oh my goodness, I figured it out. Because I am brilliant.

So now I can tell you who my new favorite celebrity crush is--the guy Locke from Lost (which I have been watching on DVD--addictive) This guy is so freaking hot. Please see for yourself:
http://starbulletin.com/2006/08/17/features/art1e.jpg

And now that I know how to position pictures the way I want, here are some photos from tonight's photo shoot:

I made a new friend in Hawaii today at our phone-a-thon aka pledge drive. He asked me to e-mail him. I just might. Maybe I should move there--how much more isolated could I be?
I know I am all over the place, but I don't have the same certainty I had earlier about where to live and what kind of law to practice.

I am certain that I do not like most of my law school colleagues. E.G. confirmed for me today that most of the students here are vain and conceited. I wonder what other profession I would dislike this much--I didn't care for elementary teachers because they were on average fairly dumb, and I know I wouldn't care for cops, and doctors have god complexes.....is there a profession I would gel with? I wonder.

I'm not dying. Not that anyone besides me reads this thing--so self: you are not dying.

I'm now coughing up blood--in small quantities. My good friend google has informed me that while scary, it is not necessarily serious. If it continues, I will make a doctor's appointment.

This has been a hard week for me, and now I think I am sick.
I am even more reclusive than ever, and I am eating too much junk food--I think in an unconscious effort to avoid my problems. I am really disgusted by the behavior of one of my
"friends"--and I believe she knows I am angry at her, and she has not attempted to contact me. Her lack of contact makes me even more unhappy--I am the one who is supposed to be dropping her, not the other way around. I am the good one here--she is the one who sucks.

Because of this "friend", I do not want to talk to anyone--I even skipped group because I did not want to be around people. I also skipped the Pinback show--again because I do not want to be around people. I shouldn't put all of the blame on her--I also had yet another bad experience with a law school boy (definitely not a man). I said something about the video game he had been playing all through class, and he barely made eye contact with me and then freaks out like all the men at this school do because they only care about sexing it up with women--that is all we exist for, so he freaks out because the fat girl is talking to him and hurriedly starts talking to another more attractive girl. So between these 2 assholes--former friend, and penis driven man-child, I do not want to interact with other humans because all they do is hurt or disappoint me. The end.

The platonic date went well--he is actually a very attractive, interesting man. He is recently divorced and in a complicated romantic entanglement with a young gal--she just finished her undergrad. I gave him some wise advice, and I think we bonded...we'll see if a friendship develops. Goodness knows I need more mature friends in my ever decreasing posse. What am I--down to 3 friends in this town now? I'm now at the point where I just want to move back to Atlanta so I can have my sissie back and never worry about making friends ever again--b/c my sissie is the only one who really loves me. Ok, this may not be true, but I sure do love my sissie.

About the sick thing--I think I have pleurisy. Or some other serious respiratory dysfunction. If I weren't coughing, I would think I was having a heart attack due to my symptoms. Remember, if I die...Lily goes to Esther and Sophie goes to an Eskie rescue group. Not that I think I am dying per say, but I don't have any other written documentation of my wishes.

So here's some interesting news. I am going on a platonic date--with a lobbyist who loves the same kind of music I do.
That's all I will say for now.

I see you love me only when I post strange blue men. I am of course measuring your love for me by the amount of feedback left on this site or directly e-mailed to me.

I guess I am a little long winded of late--I don't blame you for not reading to the end. No wait, I totally blame you.

I'm having chest pains

Did you ever notice the coincidences that occur naturally?
Like yesterday--I went to dinner and my waitress was named Emerald, and then later that night I saw a musician perform in promotion of their latest cd entitled: Emerald City.

And last week I decided to become vegan and the very same day I decide to become vegan, I rented a movie with Molly Shannon about dogs and she becomes vegan in it.

Do you think these are little messages from myself looking down on myself from some other plane--like I am telling myself, yes, these are good ideas? Or am I reading far too much into things?

And why does it take me being drunk to have confidence in myself?

I love my parents, but I often think about who I would have been had I been adopted at birth and raised by non-abusive/buck the fuck wild parents. I am obviously smart, I consistently test in the 90+ percentile on all tests--up until the LSAT, I had consistently tested in the 99th percentile. But I am not what you would think of when you think of an intelligent woman in the 90th percentile of America--I have no pedigree. I have not published anything nor changed the world--would this have been true with other parents? Would I have been Ivy League, traditionally successful if raised by someone else? And at what point does my lineage cease to be an influence? When does it become all about me--when does it boil down to my abilities? Look at Oprah--she was raised poor and sexually abused--we could be inter-racial cousins. How did she become the demi-god she is and how did I become the semi-loser that I am?

And how many more of my kind are there lurking in small towns? I cannot be the only one like me--tons of potential trapped in a self doubting body.

I write songs in my sleep that no one ever hears.

Fuck Houston.
Fuck Tampa.
In fact, fuck all of Florida.

Here are the 3 cities I will be attempting to gain employment in (in no particular order):
1. San Francisco
2. Austin
3. New York

My default is now Atlanta.

Why the change? I know what kind of law I want to practice, and these are the cities that will allow me to do so---I want to represent bands and other indie artists--entertainment law done my way, not the Hollywood way.

And fuck trying to find a man.

I took off the moderate comments, so you should see your comments right after you post them from now on. Let me know if it doesn't work.
rp

John Vanderslice

Picture of Mr. V from last night.
I am aware they are sideways, but I have a big ol' dog in my lap and editing is just not going to happen.

Mr. V is like an even more adorable David Spade. He's one of those performers that is so very likable--when he would smile, you could feel the room wanting to hug him. Or maybe it was just me--and I wanted to give him one of my patented naked hugs.

Some interesting things about the show--there were 5 people there in their 60s, and several people my age or older. I appreciated that--V is 40, so maybe that had something to do with it. I also know he was born in Gainesville, so maybe they were family???

And there were of course annoying 18 year old children--the group of gals in front of me were celebrating someones birthday--they were going to be brought on stage at midnight (I left before then). I couldn't figure out why they were there--they did not seem to be fans. They talked the entire time, and the birthday girl and her friend were in the front row texting people. I hated them. Then their guy pals arrived and I got really pissed. Two guys kept talking in front of me, so I would lean forward like I was in the conversation (in between the 2 guys) at one point I was actually touching one of their faces. They stopped talking after that. One dude answered his phone and was yelling into it--and I said, "seriously" in my bitchiest tone and he left. I really hate people like that. There was an entire club available to them--did they really need to be in the front row?

The violinist reminded me of Jamie Jones.

My entries have been hurky jerky lately--sorry-ish for that. I am not a professional writer, people--what do you want from me?

In the romance arena--I almost talked to a couple of different guys last night, but self image prevented actual words from coming out of my mouth. I did go stand by a guy I thought was adorable--then I got all self conscious and wanted to leave, but I thought that would draw more attention to my presence, so I sat there holding my purse in my lap trying to look nonchalant. He left. I have smooth moves.

The other guy was a guy I had a moment in the grocery store with a few weeks ago--I mentioned it to some of you. He was actually wearing the exact same thing. But I wasn't in the mood to go up to a guy surrounded by his friends and say: hey, I was behind you in the grocery store 3 weeks ago. How did those potatoes treat you?
I'm definitely trying to put myself out there--I just don't think there are many guys interested in dating an overweight woman, and weight loss is not a sudden thing.

As the song I am listening to at this moment says: it's hard to take risks with a pessimist.
And yes I did just quote a song. What you didn't know is that I also played air guitar right after I typed the quote.
Suck it.

Blue Studs

Before I get to my true entry--blue man has interested several women. Want to contact him yourself? Craigslist--Tallahassee. Go for it.

My true entry:
I had a great day yesterday--I think that is why I am suffering from a sore throat today. Too much fun and not enough sleep. Super busy--left home at 8am and got home around midnight.
Highlights of my day were dinner with Ella and seeing John Vanderslice perform.
My next entry will be about Vanderslice.

Also interesting....

Assume you are involved in a serious relationship. At what point would you begin looking for new potential partners?

When the relationship is not going well.
When I am certain that the relationship will end.
After the relationship is formally terminated.
All of the time.

On OkCupid

Imagine you're in a serious relationship. Would you mind if your significant other maintained an active profile on OkCupid?

Yes - I would not like this.
No - This would not bother me.

How would your Ideal Match answer this question?

Yes - I would not like this.
No - This would not bother me.

How important is their answer to you?

	Irrelevant
	A little important
	Somewhat important
	Very important
	Mandatory Some of you might know this was an issue in a past relationship. I'm glad to see it is one of the questions they ask--I just wonder how he answered.

This is why I won't do on-line dating in this town.

I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please be quite buxom and imaginative for play and enjoy fantasy role play aesthetics. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Making Decisions

I think I have settled on a city: Houston. It's an hour to Galveston and a major city. It is second only to NYC in the number of fortune 500 companies.

I plan on visiting, and I hope Sissie can join me and anyone else interested in a road trip.

I'm still not sure what type of law I want to practice, but I am less concerned about that. After talking to EG today, I realized I do not want to work for the government--at least not Florida.

On the romance front: I am trying to be realistic and focus on my needs. I'll make a post later this week/month once I have a chance to sort things out a bit.

On the socialization/friendship front: still at the baby steps stage--I've been the lone ranger since the age of 7, so it's only natural to find it difficult joining someone's posse. I promise to never use cowboy imagery ever again. In this post that is, because you know how much I love cowboy imagery.

Make me feel loved, people.

I'm bored.

I misplaced my phone for a couple of days, and there were no calls or messages. That is slightly depressing. I've misplaced it again, and I think the battery is going dead--I guess there is no need for concern since I don't get any calls.

I think I will go throw myself a pity party, and you are not invited.

I sure hope I am not being followed by some bad guys because I have a ridiculous crick in my neck and I cannot turn my head to the left. Paul Rudd is delicious.

So I saw this attractive man today while driving, and I had the sudden urge to follow him. Because nothing is hotter than a chubbie in an old lady car that cannot turn her head--following you.

I'm watching the movie Diggers, and fisherman Paul Rudd is so easy on the eye. I would totally make out with him fresh off the boat.

Anywho, i guess what I am trying to say is...I never noticed how many attractive men there are in the world, and what I'm really really trying to say is: I will only date ivy league men from here on out.

So here's what happened: I was reading a yahoo story and it linked to their dating site, I checked it out--was grossed out and looked on eharmony, was unimpressed, and started thinking about standards. There was an attractive man, but he spelled a lot "allot" so he was out and the rest of them had not completed an undergraduate degree. I also saw my co-worker on one of the sites--the crazy guy that threw paper clips at me my first day. He also dies his hair jet black, and one day I swear he put shoe polish in his hair--it was all drippy and his skin was black around the hair line. Not hot. Seeing him on the site just cinched it for me: no online dating while in this town.

This is a raggedy post. I apologize.

I talked myself out of going to see a band play tonight--I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.
Do you ever make weird mistakes? For example, I will suddenly forget how to do something, or where I am stuff like that. I have a couple of vivid memories from childhood--once I forgot my name in grade school, and another time--also in grade school--I forgot how to read. I was in church singing a hymn, and everything looked like garbedly-gook.

I've been forgetting strange things lately--and always just for a flash. At the office today, I forgot something--I don't remember what it was now, but I remember thinking I should keep it to myself and try not to freak out.

Speaking of memory, I might see if I can do my paper on PTSD and memory pills. Scientists have invented some pill that lessens the effect of PTSD by erasing the memory of the traumatic event, but the FDA will not approve it for use. I have done a very tiny bit of reading on PTSD, and through my reading and personal experiences with PTSD, I can tell you that PTSD screws with your memory anyway, so I say, why not reap the benefits of memory loss by actively deciding which memories to keep?

It does remind me of that movie Sunshine eternal something or another. I couldn't sit through the entire movie--not that it was bad, it just wasn't the movie for me. I prefer to laugh rather than feel the pain of a troubled relationship---after all, I can do that any day of the week. After writing that, I realize that I have always been 1/2 of a troubled relationship for as long as my memory has record. I wonder if this is true of most people. Maybe not since childhood, but I would bet most adults have at least one stinker relationship they are a part of, right?

So much for my que sera sera attitude.
I cannot stand feeling out of control--whatever will be, my ass.

I've decided to become vegan. Relax, I am not turning into a dirty hippie, I just need to be healthier. My heart has been hurting again---it did this the last time I gained weight and when I was a heavy smoker. Basically my weight is too much for my heart, so I must get rid of it.
Veganing out will take some time--I refuse to waste the food I have, so as soon as all of my non-plant based food is gone, then I will be a vegan. Except for the occasional shrimp.

I have other non-food issues pressing on my heart making it hurt right now as well. And I am also taking a pro-active stance on these things--as much as I can. I'm not trying to be cryptic, ok, yes I am--drama free living and all that--basically my relationship with a certain man is evolving/morphing into something new, something I am not entirely comfortable with. I don't want to be just a friend, and I certainly have no desire in becoming an after-thought friend--you know the kind of friend where Sunday rolls around and you say to yourself: I meant to e-mail/phone/telepathically communicate with so and so. I guess saying I am pro-active is a little misleading--that makes it sound like I am doing something about it, but actually I have to decided to stop fighting the change. As I am a natural fighter, this is taking effort on my part to go with the flow, so that's what I meant by being pro-active. I think I am also going to take a page from Ashley's book and let him initiate any and all communication--again, something very against my nature.

So I am becoming a vegan who has a que sera sera attitude. (I really do sing that song to myself when I start freaking out.) I can think of worse things to be.

I have been having a hard time feeling inspired enough to write in this thing.

Right now I feel like I have one foot in and one foot out.
Earlier today I felt very loving towards the world and I got in touch with a few people to express my general good-will. I felt pretty good about it at the time, but one message I sent has not been returned which makes me feel bad. In my defense, I do have PMS and got a little teary watching some crappy tv: Ugly Betty.

I have been trying to be more understanding of where another person is coming from, but when does it become too understanding?

I have been doing intake calls for my externship which involves me retrieving phone messages, and quite a number of people burst into tears on the phone. By the third blubbering caller, I had developed a thick skin--I was wondering why these people thought it was ok to cry on an answering machine. (of course I know why--their life sucks, but it was a defense mechanism)
So now I am wondering what type of law would be good for a person who doesn't want crying clients.

You know what I hate already? Clients who demand a lawyer--I can hear them saying: I 'll stick my lawyer on you--and expect the attorney to drop everything and fix all of their problems. Because lawyers are super-heroes at your beck and call.

I have never been good with grey areas--things are black and white. I feel like a lot of things are grey for me right now. What do I want to do--where do I want to live--who do I want to love--how much do I want to interact with friends--and do I want to make new friends????

I have actually been doing pretty good with the grey, but I stepped on a scale recently, and all hell broke loose as they say. I have been diligently exercising for the past month, and during that time, I have gained 5-8 pounds. And don't start with muscle weighs more than fat--if you are a big girl like me, you ain't gaining no damn muscle when you first start exercising--you are getting FATTER.
So the weight gain has made me angry--and the guru whose books I read this summer said to throw out the scale--eat what you want, but only when you are hungry and stop when full. I did one of these things--guess which one. I'll give you a hint: I ate/eat whatever the hell I want. I still exercised today, and I have no intention of stopping. But I feel restless and uncomfortable with my life. It has been said that change can only come when you are uncomfortable--otherwise, why would you change?

Here's hoping the change is good.

I'm not sure what is cool to blog about concerning my externship--it's kooky and I am not going to learn what I want to learn. I am basically wasting my time and money, but I hope it will at least look good on my resume.

I'll say more later, but for now I am going to watch Blades of Glory and bake some chocolate chip cookies and call it a day.

I am looking at the Pacific NW as a place to settle down after school. Up until a year ago I was a die-hard Southerner, but I realized that was just fear talking.
Check out this link to pics of Seattle and tell me you don't want to live there:
http://www.city-data.com/forum/seattle/88756-picture-thread-seattle-see-what-has.html
i figured out how to make a link.

I goofed off on Facebook earlier and now I wish I had not done so. Law school students gross me out. It was a sea of beautiful women and over-pampered ass holes.
And over-achievers.
Ok, I am just an under-achiever and I am jealous. A certain transfer student named Allen is on his way to Europe after being offered a job where he worked this summer. Piss face---I am off to the video store and I have no job leads much less offers. I am very jealous of all of the kids who are traipsing off to Europe on all of their summer money from high paying jobs due to their stellar grades. I screw up my first semester and will be paying for it for perhaps the rest of my life. I have this horrible image of me working in public interest work and struggling to pay rent and patching my suits with elbow patches all while trying to pay off my student loans.

Irritation

I'm frustrated. There are oh so many things irritating me right now, and only a few of them are in my control.
I'm bored and I am sick of waking up after 2 in the afternoon and not being able to fall asleep until after 4 in the morning. I realize the last 2 are connected, but even after 4 sleeping pills, I still don't feel sleepy.

Starting next week I will not be bored--I will be way too busy for boredom. I would prefer to not be bored due to the throngs of wonderful people vying for my attention, but that would require finding throngs of wonderful people. I know a few, and they pretty much leave me to myself.

I have a deal with a friend--we both have to go on a 'real' date within the next 8 weeks. I will keep you updated on this--I don't have the best outlook on dating right now. I don't think dating sucks or men suck, but I just can't imagine meeting someone I would be interested in who would also be interested in me. That's really the kicker--they need to be interested in me, otherwise it's just kidnapping--and I ain't getting busted for that again.

I decided to look online--just to see what is out there. Why did I do that? I know who is online in this town looking for love: perverts and losers. There's just no way around it--I am going to have to leave my home to find men to date. I kept waiting for men to come knocking on my door---never happened.

And I would just like to say that only supermodels meet men at the grocery store. I hate, hate, hate women's magazines that say: Find Romance in the Dairy Isle and other craptastic nuggets of lies. Maybe I should read BBW to find out where dumpy chicks meet men. They will probably say in the ice cream isle. I hate fashion magazines.

Once again: I am irritated. My life is boring. I want a boyfriend. I want to meet some more intelligent people to hang out with. I want some current uncomfortable inter-personal situations to resolve quickly in my favor--whatever that means. I wish I knew where I wanted to live after I graduate--and I wish I had a killer job lined up. I can get all of these things, right?

I am giving myself deadlines in a public space to make myself do things.
1. Go out and socialize 3 times a week starting this week, or next week.
2. Get a boyfriend or boyfriend-ish person by Christmas.
3. Try to meet one new person a week.
4. Cultivate friendships better starting NOW.
5. Starting this week: contact alumni in cool cities or with cool jobs.
6. Decide by January on a city to live in.

That's all I can think of for now. Suggestions?

While researching Lisa Loeb, I found this interesting site:
http://www.airtroductions.com/Anonymous/Login.aspx
You choose who sits next to you on a plane ride--it is a dating service.
Plane romance has a bad connotation for me, but I do admit to hoping a handsome man will be seated next to me on every flight I have ever taken.

Lisa Loeb's sister

Speaking of persons lacking talent, go to Debbie Loeb's MySpace and listen to the sweet jams she is shilling. I'll wait.
http://www.myspace.com/debbieloeb

Shitty techno circa 2000 updated with video game samples. So very bad. But she totally has the Dallas look doesn't she? Dallas women are vain--the end.
I listened to all of her songs--the second song is a remix of the first song for those of you who were all "no, don't let the music stop" when the first song ended. Man this is bad music. Be sure not to miss the ballad version of Faraway. And yet, I like her for some reason.

Did you know Lisa Loeb is a bitch in real life? That's the word on the street. I am doing some research on her right now, and I will post all of my Lisa Loeb findings in a future post. I get the feeling Lisa Loeb would work my nerves with her trendy eye-wear and schmarmy music. We would not be friends. But I would totally hang out with her sister Debbie--wouldn't listen to her music, but I could hang.

Starting Over

I decided to enter the blogosphere once again--what's that I hear? Cheering..the sound of grown men weeping with joy..women tearing their clothes and pulling their hair out with desire? ahh, but you are too much.