I'm now coughing up blood--in small quantities. My good friend google has informed me that while scary, it is not necessarily serious. If it continues, I will make a doctor's appointment.

This has been a hard week for me, and now I think I am sick.
I am even more reclusive than ever, and I am eating too much junk food--I think in an unconscious effort to avoid my problems. I am really disgusted by the behavior of one of my
"friends"--and I believe she knows I am angry at her, and she has not attempted to contact me. Her lack of contact makes me even more unhappy--I am the one who is supposed to be dropping her, not the other way around. I am the good one here--she is the one who sucks.

Because of this "friend", I do not want to talk to anyone--I even skipped group because I did not want to be around people. I also skipped the Pinback show--again because I do not want to be around people. I shouldn't put all of the blame on her--I also had yet another bad experience with a law school boy (definitely not a man). I said something about the video game he had been playing all through class, and he barely made eye contact with me and then freaks out like all the men at this school do because they only care about sexing it up with women--that is all we exist for, so he freaks out because the fat girl is talking to him and hurriedly starts talking to another more attractive girl. So between these 2 assholes--former friend, and penis driven man-child, I do not want to interact with other humans because all they do is hurt or disappoint me. The end.

The platonic date went well--he is actually a very attractive, interesting man. He is recently divorced and in a complicated romantic entanglement with a young gal--she just finished her undergrad. I gave him some wise advice, and I think we bonded...we'll see if a friendship develops. Goodness knows I need more mature friends in my ever decreasing posse. What am I--down to 3 friends in this town now? I'm now at the point where I just want to move back to Atlanta so I can have my sissie back and never worry about making friends ever again--b/c my sissie is the only one who really loves me. Ok, this may not be true, but I sure do love my sissie.

About the sick thing--I think I have pleurisy. Or some other serious respiratory dysfunction. If I weren't coughing, I would think I was having a heart attack due to my symptoms. Remember, if I die...Lily goes to Esther and Sophie goes to an Eskie rescue group. Not that I think I am dying per say, but I don't have any other written documentation of my wishes.

So here's some interesting news. I am going on a platonic date--with a lobbyist who loves the same kind of music I do.
That's all I will say for now.

I see you love me only when I post strange blue men. I am of course measuring your love for me by the amount of feedback left on this site or directly e-mailed to me.

I guess I am a little long winded of late--I don't blame you for not reading to the end. No wait, I totally blame you.

I'm having chest pains

Did you ever notice the coincidences that occur naturally?
Like yesterday--I went to dinner and my waitress was named Emerald, and then later that night I saw a musician perform in promotion of their latest cd entitled: Emerald City.

And last week I decided to become vegan and the very same day I decide to become vegan, I rented a movie with Molly Shannon about dogs and she becomes vegan in it.

Do you think these are little messages from myself looking down on myself from some other plane--like I am telling myself, yes, these are good ideas? Or am I reading far too much into things?

And why does it take me being drunk to have confidence in myself?

I love my parents, but I often think about who I would have been had I been adopted at birth and raised by non-abusive/buck the fuck wild parents. I am obviously smart, I consistently test in the 90+ percentile on all tests--up until the LSAT, I had consistently tested in the 99th percentile. But I am not what you would think of when you think of an intelligent woman in the 90th percentile of America--I have no pedigree. I have not published anything nor changed the world--would this have been true with other parents? Would I have been Ivy League, traditionally successful if raised by someone else? And at what point does my lineage cease to be an influence? When does it become all about me--when does it boil down to my abilities? Look at Oprah--she was raised poor and sexually abused--we could be inter-racial cousins. How did she become the demi-god she is and how did I become the semi-loser that I am?

And how many more of my kind are there lurking in small towns? I cannot be the only one like me--tons of potential trapped in a self doubting body.

I write songs in my sleep that no one ever hears.

Fuck Houston.
Fuck Tampa.
In fact, fuck all of Florida.

Here are the 3 cities I will be attempting to gain employment in (in no particular order):
1. San Francisco
2. Austin
3. New York

My default is now Atlanta.

Why the change? I know what kind of law I want to practice, and these are the cities that will allow me to do so---I want to represent bands and other indie artists--entertainment law done my way, not the Hollywood way.

And fuck trying to find a man.

I took off the moderate comments, so you should see your comments right after you post them from now on. Let me know if it doesn't work.
rp

John Vanderslice

Picture of Mr. V from last night.
I am aware they are sideways, but I have a big ol' dog in my lap and editing is just not going to happen.

Mr. V is like an even more adorable David Spade. He's one of those performers that is so very likable--when he would smile, you could feel the room wanting to hug him. Or maybe it was just me--and I wanted to give him one of my patented naked hugs.

Some interesting things about the show--there were 5 people there in their 60s, and several people my age or older. I appreciated that--V is 40, so maybe that had something to do with it. I also know he was born in Gainesville, so maybe they were family???

And there were of course annoying 18 year old children--the group of gals in front of me were celebrating someones birthday--they were going to be brought on stage at midnight (I left before then). I couldn't figure out why they were there--they did not seem to be fans. They talked the entire time, and the birthday girl and her friend were in the front row texting people. I hated them. Then their guy pals arrived and I got really pissed. Two guys kept talking in front of me, so I would lean forward like I was in the conversation (in between the 2 guys) at one point I was actually touching one of their faces. They stopped talking after that. One dude answered his phone and was yelling into it--and I said, "seriously" in my bitchiest tone and he left. I really hate people like that. There was an entire club available to them--did they really need to be in the front row?

The violinist reminded me of Jamie Jones.

My entries have been hurky jerky lately--sorry-ish for that. I am not a professional writer, people--what do you want from me?

In the romance arena--I almost talked to a couple of different guys last night, but self image prevented actual words from coming out of my mouth. I did go stand by a guy I thought was adorable--then I got all self conscious and wanted to leave, but I thought that would draw more attention to my presence, so I sat there holding my purse in my lap trying to look nonchalant. He left. I have smooth moves.

The other guy was a guy I had a moment in the grocery store with a few weeks ago--I mentioned it to some of you. He was actually wearing the exact same thing. But I wasn't in the mood to go up to a guy surrounded by his friends and say: hey, I was behind you in the grocery store 3 weeks ago. How did those potatoes treat you?
I'm definitely trying to put myself out there--I just don't think there are many guys interested in dating an overweight woman, and weight loss is not a sudden thing.

As the song I am listening to at this moment says: it's hard to take risks with a pessimist.
And yes I did just quote a song. What you didn't know is that I also played air guitar right after I typed the quote.
Suck it.

Blue Studs

Before I get to my true entry--blue man has interested several women. Want to contact him yourself? Craigslist--Tallahassee. Go for it.

My true entry:
I had a great day yesterday--I think that is why I am suffering from a sore throat today. Too much fun and not enough sleep. Super busy--left home at 8am and got home around midnight.
Highlights of my day were dinner with Ella and seeing John Vanderslice perform.
My next entry will be about Vanderslice.

Also interesting....

Assume you are involved in a serious relationship. At what point would you begin looking for new potential partners?

When the relationship is not going well.
When I am certain that the relationship will end.
After the relationship is formally terminated.
All of the time.

On OkCupid

Imagine you're in a serious relationship. Would you mind if your significant other maintained an active profile on OkCupid?

Yes - I would not like this.
No - This would not bother me.

How would your Ideal Match answer this question?

Yes - I would not like this.
No - This would not bother me.

How important is their answer to you?

	Irrelevant
	A little important
	Somewhat important
	Very important
	Mandatory Some of you might know this was an issue in a past relationship. I'm glad to see it is one of the questions they ask--I just wonder how he answered.

This is why I won't do on-line dating in this town.

I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please be quite buxom and imaginative for play and enjoy fantasy role play aesthetics. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

Making Decisions

I think I have settled on a city: Houston. It's an hour to Galveston and a major city. It is second only to NYC in the number of fortune 500 companies.

I plan on visiting, and I hope Sissie can join me and anyone else interested in a road trip.

I'm still not sure what type of law I want to practice, but I am less concerned about that. After talking to EG today, I realized I do not want to work for the government--at least not Florida.

On the romance front: I am trying to be realistic and focus on my needs. I'll make a post later this week/month once I have a chance to sort things out a bit.

On the socialization/friendship front: still at the baby steps stage--I've been the lone ranger since the age of 7, so it's only natural to find it difficult joining someone's posse. I promise to never use cowboy imagery ever again. In this post that is, because you know how much I love cowboy imagery.

Make me feel loved, people.

I'm bored.

I misplaced my phone for a couple of days, and there were no calls or messages. That is slightly depressing. I've misplaced it again, and I think the battery is going dead--I guess there is no need for concern since I don't get any calls.

I think I will go throw myself a pity party, and you are not invited.

I sure hope I am not being followed by some bad guys because I have a ridiculous crick in my neck and I cannot turn my head to the left. Paul Rudd is delicious.

So I saw this attractive man today while driving, and I had the sudden urge to follow him. Because nothing is hotter than a chubbie in an old lady car that cannot turn her head--following you.

I'm watching the movie Diggers, and fisherman Paul Rudd is so easy on the eye. I would totally make out with him fresh off the boat.

Anywho, i guess what I am trying to say is...I never noticed how many attractive men there are in the world, and what I'm really really trying to say is: I will only date ivy league men from here on out.

So here's what happened: I was reading a yahoo story and it linked to their dating site, I checked it out--was grossed out and looked on eharmony, was unimpressed, and started thinking about standards. There was an attractive man, but he spelled a lot "allot" so he was out and the rest of them had not completed an undergraduate degree. I also saw my co-worker on one of the sites--the crazy guy that threw paper clips at me my first day. He also dies his hair jet black, and one day I swear he put shoe polish in his hair--it was all drippy and his skin was black around the hair line. Not hot. Seeing him on the site just cinched it for me: no online dating while in this town.

This is a raggedy post. I apologize.

I talked myself out of going to see a band play tonight--I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.
Do you ever make weird mistakes? For example, I will suddenly forget how to do something, or where I am stuff like that. I have a couple of vivid memories from childhood--once I forgot my name in grade school, and another time--also in grade school--I forgot how to read. I was in church singing a hymn, and everything looked like garbedly-gook.

I've been forgetting strange things lately--and always just for a flash. At the office today, I forgot something--I don't remember what it was now, but I remember thinking I should keep it to myself and try not to freak out.

Speaking of memory, I might see if I can do my paper on PTSD and memory pills. Scientists have invented some pill that lessens the effect of PTSD by erasing the memory of the traumatic event, but the FDA will not approve it for use. I have done a very tiny bit of reading on PTSD, and through my reading and personal experiences with PTSD, I can tell you that PTSD screws with your memory anyway, so I say, why not reap the benefits of memory loss by actively deciding which memories to keep?

It does remind me of that movie Sunshine eternal something or another. I couldn't sit through the entire movie--not that it was bad, it just wasn't the movie for me. I prefer to laugh rather than feel the pain of a troubled relationship---after all, I can do that any day of the week. After writing that, I realize that I have always been 1/2 of a troubled relationship for as long as my memory has record. I wonder if this is true of most people. Maybe not since childhood, but I would bet most adults have at least one stinker relationship they are a part of, right?

So much for my que sera sera attitude.
I cannot stand feeling out of control--whatever will be, my ass.

I've decided to become vegan. Relax, I am not turning into a dirty hippie, I just need to be healthier. My heart has been hurting again---it did this the last time I gained weight and when I was a heavy smoker. Basically my weight is too much for my heart, so I must get rid of it.
Veganing out will take some time--I refuse to waste the food I have, so as soon as all of my non-plant based food is gone, then I will be a vegan. Except for the occasional shrimp.

I have other non-food issues pressing on my heart making it hurt right now as well. And I am also taking a pro-active stance on these things--as much as I can. I'm not trying to be cryptic, ok, yes I am--drama free living and all that--basically my relationship with a certain man is evolving/morphing into something new, something I am not entirely comfortable with. I don't want to be just a friend, and I certainly have no desire in becoming an after-thought friend--you know the kind of friend where Sunday rolls around and you say to yourself: I meant to e-mail/phone/telepathically communicate with so and so. I guess saying I am pro-active is a little misleading--that makes it sound like I am doing something about it, but actually I have to decided to stop fighting the change. As I am a natural fighter, this is taking effort on my part to go with the flow, so that's what I meant by being pro-active. I think I am also going to take a page from Ashley's book and let him initiate any and all communication--again, something very against my nature.

So I am becoming a vegan who has a que sera sera attitude. (I really do sing that song to myself when I start freaking out.) I can think of worse things to be.

I have been having a hard time feeling inspired enough to write in this thing.

Right now I feel like I have one foot in and one foot out.
Earlier today I felt very loving towards the world and I got in touch with a few people to express my general good-will. I felt pretty good about it at the time, but one message I sent has not been returned which makes me feel bad. In my defense, I do have PMS and got a little teary watching some crappy tv: Ugly Betty.

I have been trying to be more understanding of where another person is coming from, but when does it become too understanding?

I have been doing intake calls for my externship which involves me retrieving phone messages, and quite a number of people burst into tears on the phone. By the third blubbering caller, I had developed a thick skin--I was wondering why these people thought it was ok to cry on an answering machine. (of course I know why--their life sucks, but it was a defense mechanism)
So now I am wondering what type of law would be good for a person who doesn't want crying clients.

You know what I hate already? Clients who demand a lawyer--I can hear them saying: I 'll stick my lawyer on you--and expect the attorney to drop everything and fix all of their problems. Because lawyers are super-heroes at your beck and call.

I have never been good with grey areas--things are black and white. I feel like a lot of things are grey for me right now. What do I want to do--where do I want to live--who do I want to love--how much do I want to interact with friends--and do I want to make new friends????

I have actually been doing pretty good with the grey, but I stepped on a scale recently, and all hell broke loose as they say. I have been diligently exercising for the past month, and during that time, I have gained 5-8 pounds. And don't start with muscle weighs more than fat--if you are a big girl like me, you ain't gaining no damn muscle when you first start exercising--you are getting FATTER.
So the weight gain has made me angry--and the guru whose books I read this summer said to throw out the scale--eat what you want, but only when you are hungry and stop when full. I did one of these things--guess which one. I'll give you a hint: I ate/eat whatever the hell I want. I still exercised today, and I have no intention of stopping. But I feel restless and uncomfortable with my life. It has been said that change can only come when you are uncomfortable--otherwise, why would you change?

Here's hoping the change is good.