I am feeling a lot of self hatred right now. And other hatred, specifically dog hatred.
I was supposed to go to some fancy pants dinner tonight for my externship's 30th anniversary, but I really didn't want to go. I had to go to a dinner with them last night and didn't get home until 9:45. The food was not good and I had enough.

Today Lily bit me--attacked me would be a better description, so I was very angry and upset about that. I did talk myself into going to the dinner tonight, got out of my shower and tried to find something to wear that would fit into the dress code: business, whatever that means. Nothing fit right. The 2 outfits that did just barely fit made me look like I was carrying a watermelon under my shirt. So I got very depressed and started crying. I kept looking for something to wear, all the while crying I didn't want to go--I just wanted to be left alone..etc. I got upset with the amount of dog hair in my room, the mess in my apartment. And I finally just gave up and decided not to go tonight.

I turned on tv and Dr. Phil was having a show about really super fat kids.
So I am not feeling super great about myself or others.

SPeaking of wanting to quit therapy--I have been wanting to quit for a while. I feel like I shouldn't be gaining weight if the therapy is helping, and since I keep gaining weight-I want to quit. I just don't see the point of going if it isn't helping. My last individual session, I was creeped out by my therapist--he said titties. He said it about overweight men who get big breasts. I thought it was tacky. I had to tell him to look at me when I was talking--he kept looking around the room. He said it was because his eyes were bothering him--I told him it seemed like he was not paying attention to me. Then he starts telling me a bunch of stuff that wasn't useful at all--stuff he said the last time I saw him over a month ago. Then he starts talking about how successful he is--I was really turned off and wanted to leave his smug behind as it seemed he just wanted to talk about himself.

I looked into going to over eaters anonymous, but the whole admit you are powerless thing sounds like a crock of shit to me. I am not powerless over my eating, and that kind of thinking leads to binges and excusing myself from trying to make changes.

Now I'm thinking about some type of magic pill--like trimspa or some such. I hate this feeling--desperation and self contempt all rolled into one--add to that guilt. Plus I feel guilty for missing the dinner tonight, but I really, really didn't want to go nude. Even now, my pants are too tight. I was exercising 4 times a week up until I went to visit my parents. I suppose I should start back, but it didn't result in any weight loss, so I don't know why I bother. How do those people on the biggest loser do it?

Skeevy man on campus alert

For my fellow law school students, there is yet another skeevy man looking for free legal advice hanging around the library. You all might remember the guy from this summer in the members only jacket that creeped us all out. He decided we were friends and it made me feel weird. Well, there's another one lurking around--he's an albino dude with bad skin. He will ask you to tell him about the school, but beware! he will pull out his thick folder and drill you for advice. He went so far as to ask for my phone number so he could call me and bother me at any time--I declined; I told him I was not comfortable with that. He has some weird story about being mistaken for a guy in town who has done bad things and now he is paying for it. He talked about being arrested, but then they apologized because they realized he wasn't his look-a-like and something about the hospital calling the police on him because they thought he was his look-a-like who had recently come in there and threatened to kill them.

This is why I do not want people for clients. Give me businesses any day--I tend to think people are liars. If I am working with businesses, then I know what their motivation is.

Anywho...that guy creeped me out so bad that I didn't go directly home and I took a round about way home when I did go home. I still feel weird inside.

Yup, definitely not meant to work with the "common man". I'm going to go ahead and call myself bougie/boujie/boo szhe short for bourgeoisie.

I have spent way too much time looking up LLM programs today. I decided last night that getting a masters in law would be the best career move for me, but now I'm thinking I am just trying to waste time. It may very well make sense, but I can't find a program I am interested in that would be willing to take me as a student. I know I would get into the Elder Law program in Lawrence, KS, but that is not really an area one needs a masters in. I am interested in the health law masters, but all of the schools seem kinda picky. This will be my new favorite topic to discuss with everyone I come in contact with--you've been warned.

Today I noticed that the guy sitting next to me in class was mirroring my moves--I thought at first I was mirroring him. Whenever he was leaned back with arms folded across his chest, I was doing the same thing. I decided to change positions because we looked like a couple of tools sitting there with our arms folded, and what do you know, he moves into the same position I did!
Then I thought he could read my mind and I started getting paranoid and I really think he sensed this weirdness in me because it took a few minutes before we synced up again.
Just putting that out there so you can all notice when someone sitting next to you is mirroring your moves.

Update: 2 hours later and I have sold a book for 60 bucks and applied for 3 more jobs.
I think I am going to bite the bullet and cancel my movie memberships at the local video place and the one through the mail. My tv antenna works--I just plugged it in today, so there's no need for videos anymore. That will save me 50 dollars.

I know this is boring, but every day life often is.

I'm sick. I threw up earlier today and cried and cried.
Then I felt a little better so I looked over my finances and cried and cried. I didn't really, but I am so freaking broke. I cannot wait to get out of school and get a job. Of course then I will be paying back loans and be among the working poor.

I put all of my old textbooks up for sale, but most of them have past their prime already and will probably be thrown out before I move. I have 100+ dollar textbooks for sale for 50 cents. I have actually started to hate law school. I have been loving it up until now--in spite of bad grades and people with low moral character; in spite of professors with god complexes and in spite of an unreasonable work load. I still loved it. But I am burned out. I want to be done. I need to make money. I have no idea how I am going to pay for anything over the next 2 months. I have rent money, but that's it.

And I am supposed to pay a deposit on BarBri, and I just don't have 250 bucks. So I am really stressed. My house is a mess and I have too much work to do and I am broke. Sounds like the end of the semester. I applied for 2 jobs today, and now I have to go look for more employment options. I hate being poor.

Now that my head has stopped hurting so much, I can use my brain a little. Here's my top thoughts of the day:
I could become a celibate lesbian. I'm technically celibate anyway, so why not mix it up a little and get rejected by a whole new gender? I could just be talking out of my ass, but I think fat lesbians see more action than straight fat chicks.
Next bit of brilliance: since I technically have an eating disorder, why not develop anorexia instead of compulsive eating? I lose weight and I get to keep my disorder--it's win win.
I also had this gem of a thought: instead of being a compulsive eater, why not become a slut? You burn calories whoring it up, so being a tramp is better for your health--except stds. But I would have to lose weight first or become a lesbian: see brilliant idea number 1.

Emotionally/mentally healthy? That's me.

I got the crankies inside, but I feel I should write a little something in here. Why so cranky? I have had a headache for the past week, I cannot make myself do my work, I need a job because I am poor, my sister asked me why I argued with my mother instead of the other way around and then never responded to my question, I keep overeating and my clothes don't fit right, and I am bored. I wanted to write a compelling entry--one that would have you on the floor laughing or one that would have you in tears do to my insight. But that is not going to happen--because of the crankies. I should probably just go take a dump.

I was nearly finished with a rather long entry, and my clumsy fingers hit ctrl A and continued typing which deleted everything I had written. I do this constantly. I hate this. I am so frustrated right now, but there is no un-do feature on this journal.